Writes


Letters
Company Pen
Betting On Trump
How Many Toilets?
Lost Nickle
Dear Airline
Dear Senator Vasconcellos
Dear CBS
Dear Carolina Panthers
10 Questions From Americans
Dear Toys R Us...
Small On Top?
The Benjagon
Use Those Weather-Sticks
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
The Question About The Bill
10 Interview Questions


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island
Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
Telling Her Off
Killing in Defense
Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob
Mega Work Dream
Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany
Pastry Bunnies
Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson
Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave
Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
Seriously
 
After Shabbat dinner one week, my father told my fiancé and I, and my sister and her fiancé, this story:

"Children, there's an old Jewish story, joke, whatever you call it. Like a saying. During the first year that you're married, every time you, you know, 'get to know each other' you know, 'personally', take a quarter and put it in a sack. Then every time you, you know, 'get to know each other' again after your first year, take one quarter out. It should last a lifetime."

He was pleased with himself for telling such a funny story, and then walked away from the table giggling. We heard him huffing and puffing and forcing out a couple from the other side of the house as we heard him struggling to return to the table. I thought he was completely out of breath, that is, until I saw him.

He arrived at the table with two not so big, but obviously very heavy bags of money. He gave one to Adina and Dave, and one to Lisa and myself.

"These are from your mother and I. We still have four more of these downstairs."

The table's alive with laughter.

After some discussion, and after the shock of my parents openly discussing their apparently incredibly productive sex life for the very first time, we learned that each bag held about one thousand dollars in quarters. The mere suggestion that there were four more bags just like it downstairs turned me green.

The very next day Lisa and I were near a bank, so we walked in to ask for ten-dollar quarter rolls. Lisa asks the teller for one hundred of them.

"Seriously?" said the teller.

"Seriously," Lisa responded.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Really? One hundred of them? You're serious?"

"I'm serious. We got this huge sack of quarters as a silly, yet quite impressive engagement present. It's kinda' funny, I know."

"Ok then…"

Thinking everything was now underway and understood, from behind us Lisa and I heard, "Seriously?" The woman behind us in line couldn't believe our good fortune. She repeated, "Seriously? A whole sack of quarters?"

"Seriously," Lisa responded yet again, this time giving me a look that, at a mere glance, said to me 'is 'seriously' the only word people in this bank understand?'

The teller returns just in time to give us what we asked for and interrupt yet another 'seriously'-fueled conversation. Handing us the ten-dollar quarter roll papers, he looks at us with an odd expression of still lingering confusion, "Seriously?"

"We're serious," Lisa spoke up once more, "we're just lucky I guess."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

We get the rolls and move on.