Writes


Stories & Letters
10 Interview Questions
Stronger Underwear : G-d's Cosmic Joke
Happy Tree Vengeance
Company Pen
Betting On Trump
Millionaire Managing Director
How Many Toilets?
Lost Nickle
Chatting With Santa
One Minute Lock-Out
FBI Buddy
Flashback Failure
Dear Airline
No More Bowlers
Detroit Rock City ... Again
Dear Senator Vasconcellos
Dear CBS
Dear Carolina Panthers
Feeding Me
10 Questions From Americans
Dare Pigeon
Dear Toys R Us...
Small On Top?
I Love This Photo
Movies on TV
Kick My Ass
Revelations
The Benjagon
I Love My Wife
Dear Mr. The Pope
Kids Are Easy
With Age Comes Greed
Floridiots
Married = Popular
Green Flash
Use Those Weather-Sticks
25% Less Means More For Me
More Unemployed Observations
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
Duck Uberalis
Hi, I'm Rob
Things About Unemployment
Are You Hiring?
Sweet Home Two Weeks In Manhattan
Go To The Minyan - Supplemental
Go To The Minyan
Too Many Spoons
Dear Raiders...
I Gots Me A Man!
Volcanoes Are Like Assholes
Marathon Shtoopers
Pair of Pants
Size vs. Pressure
Hello Morningstar!
Toilet Praise
How Much Food Do You Have?
Battle at Theater 4
Pigeons
Humor Is Money
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
Adina's Collapse
Conspiring Husbands
Boo Frikkin Hoo - I LOVE YOU URI
Charles the Invader
Bible Talk
Best Man Speech
That Damn Remote
Bum Pee
Target Poopie Fun
Fortune Cookies (not a story - but damn funny)
Pushing The Elderly
To Twirl Or Not To Twirl
Paul Hoganges
Corporate Collision
Bathroom Etiquette
Careful What You Wish For...
Goodbye Steve B.
My Beautiful Flag
Poor Giants
If I Could Fix Baseball...
3 Innings / 7 Dollars
Oh Dad...
Loving Lightsabers
Who The Hell Are These People?
Leaving Tijuana
Seriously?
Third Attempt
Waiting In Line
Pudding And Beer
Buying Hemingway
The Question About The Bill
Halloween Heroes
My Foot In My Mouth
Hurt Magnet
Jury Duty
Puerto Nuevo Lobster Special
No Toys For You
Showdown With The Rabbi
Sausalito Voted Least Flammable City In America
I Hate Starbucks
Congress Turned Down Tennessee/California Swap
Three People I Don't Like


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island
Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
Telling Her Off
Killing in Defense
Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob
Mega Work Dream
Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany
Pastry Bunnies
Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson
Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave
Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
Lost Nickle
 

Dear Mayor,

I was visiting your lovely city the other day, and while walking down Main Street I found a nickle. There it was, just lying in the street on the edge of a puddle. I picked it up and asked everyone around me if they'd dropped the nickle, but nobody claimed it.

It's a 1998 nickle with plenty of scratches and marks on it (I don't know if that's the way it originally was or if it's from the foot and car traffic that moved over it repeatedly before I found it). I was wondering if your lovely city had a lost and found office, if anyone's come by to report a missing nickle, and how I would go about sending the nickle in.

Thank you so much. Your photo on your city's website makes you look gorgeous. Your city has fantastic drainage.

John F. Reed


From the Mayor of Minneapolis
Subject: RE: Lost Nickle
Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005
From: "Rybak, R.T."

What a wonderful note, John.

We don’t have a lost and found but I think the best idea would be to donate the nickel to the relief campaign for victims of the Tsunami. It won’t buy much but it’s a good symbol that says a lot about all of us as people.

Best to you.
R.T.

P.S.Yes, we are pretty darn proud of our drainage!

P.S.S.: You are very flattering but should know that a. pictures can lie and b. the job is aging me fast


From the Mayor of Phoenix
Subject: Re: Lost Nickle
From: phil.gordon@phoenix.gov
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005

thank you...please keep it as amemory of your visit

Phil Gordon
Mayor
City of Phoenix


From the Mayor of Miami
Subject: RE: Lost Nickle
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005
From: "Diaz, Manuel A. (Mayor)"

We don’t have a lost and found department, but thank you for your concerns. Also, thank you for your kind words.

Regards,
Manny


From the Office of the Mayor of Denver
Subject: RE: Lost Nickle
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005
From: "MileHighMayor"

Mr. Reed,

No one has reported it missing. I would say, keep it, enjoy it it is yours.

Tina Rae Gelt
Administrative Assistant to
Mayor John W. Hickenlooper
www.denvergov.org


From the Mayor of Syracuse
Subject: RE: Lost Nickel
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005
From: "Mayor Driscoll"

John, thank you for your e-mail, I enjoyed reading it so much! Please keep the nickel you found as a memento of your excellent experience while visiting our city, I hope that your next visit to our city will be just as rewarding!

Best wishes
Mayor Driscoll


From the Mayor of Tampa
Subject: RE: Lost Nickel
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005
From: "Mayor Pam Iorio"

Thank you for your message and your kind comments. Although we do not have a lost and found department, I will make sure to let you know if anyone reports this loss.


From the Mayor of San Mateo
Subject: Re: Lost Nickle
From: jepstein@cityofsanmateo.org
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005

Dear Mr. Reed:

Thank you for your e-mail about your visit to our city--I hope you had a good time. It would seem appropriate that you keep as a souvenir of your visit the 1998 nickel that you found. I am copying your message to Larry Patterson our Director of Public Works who will appreciate your comment about our drainage.

Jan Epstein
Mayor


From the Office of the Mayor of Boise
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005
From: "Tracy Hall"
Subject: Re: Lost Nickle

John,

Thank you for taking the time to contact Mayor Bieter and the members of the City Council. We all certainly hope for you to visit Boise again soon.

Tracy Hall
Office of the Mayor