“Dave,” I began to express my thought out loud, “how cool would it be if Sean Connery kicked my ass?” “That would be pretty cool,” he said. “Dave?” “Yeah?” “You know the popular practice some people have, that thing they do when they put five celebrities down on list of people they’re allowed to have sex with?” “Yeah, I know that list.” “Well how cool would it be to have a Top Five Celebrities Who I’d Like To Kick My Ass list?” “That would be awesome!” One of the many reasons I love Dave is that he gets really and genuinely excited at the same moronic and dumb crap I get excited about. “I’d definitely love to have Sean Connery kick my ass.” “So would I,” Dave said. “Who else would you pick?” Just as the conversation began to get interesting, my cousin and his two year old son came to pick us up for ice-cream – which eventually became dinner – and we dropped it. But just before Dave left to go home for the night, we agreed on our little homework assignments; 1 – Think up an awesome story for the fourth Indiana Jones movie, and 2 – come up with a list of the five top celebrities we’d like to kick our asses. Here’s my list.
1 – Sean Connery
Thinking about all this, I’ve also come up with the concept of five celebrities whose ass I’d like most to kick. Which five celebrities, above all other celebrities I’d love the tactile sensation of beating with my bare fists, deserve a pummeling from me? That is, I believe, even tougher than picking out the five I most want to kick my ass. Number one would most definitely be Richard Gere. He deserves a boot to the mouth more than anyone I can think of…
1 – Richard Gere
Honorable Bitch-Slap Mention of people I’d love to beat upon
1 – Nicole Kidman
Please don’t think me to be a violent person, I really do have very much love for nearly everyone I meet – and for those I don’t have love I have bags and bags of tolerance. But think about it, how cool would you be to show up at a party with a shiner and say, “See this black eye? PAUL NEWMAN did this to me. He caught me in an alley and he kicked my ass.” “I didn’t mean to spill the salsa on his new white suit in the restaurant, and I apologized profusely and offered to pay and everything. I even left out of embarrassment. But he followed me out the door, down the alley on the way to my car parked on the other side of the block, and he kicked my ass. It was such a terrific beating I didn’t even stop him. I let him satisfy his thirst for blood, and then I crawled away.” Think about it! I had others that were contenders for the list of people whom I’d like to have kick my ass, such as Robert DeNiro, James Gandolfini, and most definitely Gary Oldman – but I’d be thinking too much about these guys’, even while beating me, were personifications of characters they play(ed). I’d think it was Jimmy from Goodfellas kicking my ass, or Tony from The Sopranos kicking my ass, or a myriad of people, from Stansfield in The Professional and Zorg of Fifth Element to Sid of Sid and Nancy and Drexl from True Romance kicking my ass. Clint Eastwood, he could kick your ass with a stare. Paul Newman would beat you senseless, and you wouldn’t do a thing about it. Jack Nicholson? Hell, Jack Nicholson doesn’t have the time to kick your ass, so he’d make YOU do it. Harrison Ford could kick your ass, and he’d do it with the greatest punch sound-effects ever. Sean Connery? You just have to submit and let him kick your ass out of respect. Offering to get your ass kicked by a celebrity is no simple thing. It’s rather a delicate and complex matter. Sure you could pick Russel Crowe to beat you senseless, but he’d bring you within an inch of your life, which isn’t fun, and he wouldn’t really do it with any ‘style’ as would the more elder/established gentlemen I’ve mentioned. You don’t want some forgotten 80-‘s star to do it, like Emilio Estevez, James Spader, or Anthony Michael Hall. They’ve got so much anger from being out of work and unrecognized to get out, and I think that would be a horrible pounding. A pounding you wouldn’t walk away from, and a pounding your friends wouldn’t be impressed with.
Still, though, I’m sure there’s plenty more celebrities out there I wouldn’t mind having to kick my ass. My little list will go through numerous revisions I’m sure as the days go on, but for right now I’m going to have to stick with the five (six if you count the GeneHackman/Clint Eastwood tie – Unforgiven forbids me to bump one off the list for sake of the other) I’ve chosen. Have fun kids. Next time you’re sitting around the TV with your friends, trying to think of something interesting to do, try to think of people you’d like to have kick your ass – it’s an eye-opener. |
