Writes


Letters
Company Pen
Betting On Trump
How Many Toilets?
Lost Nickle
Dear Airline
Dear Senator Vasconcellos
Dear CBS
Dear Carolina Panthers
10 Questions From Americans
Dear Toys R Us...
Small On Top?
The Benjagon
Use Those Weather-Sticks
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
The Question About The Bill
10 Interview Questions


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island
Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
Telling Her Off
Killing in Defense
Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob
Mega Work Dream
Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany
Pastry Bunnies
Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson
Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave
Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
If I Could Fix Baseball...
 
Oh, if I were given the power to clean up Baseball, I'd cry myself to sleep every night with tears of joy.

First off, I'd make myself Commissioner of Baseball with all encompassing power over the whole of the professional sport. Then, the first thing I'd do, in order to lead by example, would be to cut my pay to $150,000 a year, and redirect all other funds to the greatness that is Baseball.

The greatness of Baseball. That's something that hasn't seemed so 'great' as of late, and that's something I'd fix. No more owners. It's the owners that are driving the sport into the ground. Not the players, although their greed is indeed adding to the burden, not the corporations that own the ballparks, and most definitely not the fans. It's the owners, plain and simple.

The NFL has a profit sharing mechanism in place so that either all teams flourish, or all teams suffer. What good is a football team if there's no other teams to play? The foresight the creators of football had was light-years ahead of its time, and a model that desperately needs to be followed by baseball, and quick.

Some of the things I'd do to fix baseball would be:

Forbidding Player Strikes
There's no reason to strike when one lives the life of excess. There are a few hundred men out there living like sultans, playing games while everyone else at work listens on the radio. Any player that threatens to strike is suspended for two series. Any further attempt gets the player suspended from baseball permanently.

The MLB Players Association would be dissolved immediately. Well, rather, any ballplayer associated with the association would no longer be allowed to play professionally. Either you appreciate the position you hold, or don't hold it at all.

If you're pulling in over $150,000 a year as 'base pay', and all your expenses are paid for, you've nothing to complain about. Right? It's just ridiculous. There's absolutely no conceivable reason for a player, even a player pulling in base bay, to ask for a raise. I'd make player strikes forbidden. Living in the life of excess gives no reason to want more. The biggest problem baseball has is greed; greed amongst players, greed amongst managing staffs, and worst of all, greed amongst the office of the commissioner.

Nip it in the bud, I say. Price caps for everyone. I'm not thankful that you're playing for me, you'd better be thankful that you're playing baseball for a living. Be thankful that you're playing baseball instead of pushing pencils behind some desk tucked away in an office somewhere. You, the player, should be grateful each and every day that you're not picking up trash at five in the morning or climbing telephone poles in the middle of a desert somewhere or pumping gas. You, the player, should be flattered that I'm giving you a raise, if ever. Not the other way around.

For every hot-shot ballplayer that thinks the team, the sport, revolves around him, there's a hundred more in the minors, right now, that are willing to fight to take his spot, for next to nothing.

Collective Money Pot
All proceeds from all ticket sales and all merchandise sold within all ballparks will be sent in to one, collective pot. From this pot, all salaries will be paid, fairly and evenly, across all teams.

For players, there will be three pay brackets; Rookie, Medium, and High. Rookie pay lasts only your first two years, Medium pay your third to fifth or sixth year, and High pay for veteran players and league (not local) favorites. All managing staffers will receive equal pay regardless of team performance. The commissioner and all members of his staff and office will receive manager lever pay as well.

From the central pot come all necessary funds for repair to ballparks, legal fees, medical fees, and what have you. No longer will any one person, group of people, or company own a baseball team. From now on, Baseball owns baseball.

All winning teams will be given cash bonuses for the team general manager to distribute amongst all players and staff as he sees fit. All losing teams will be given both first and second draft picks, as well as more home games the next season. If the other teams are so good, let them take their skills on the road and prove it.

With more money no longer the incentive, since it's no longer available for distribution, keeping your job will be. Play hard, play well, and you keep your uniform. Play sloppily, and you're out.

Tier System
Every three years, the two worst teams in Major League Baseball will be kicked down to AAA Minors status, and the two best AAA teams will move up to fill their spot. There will never be any threat of, say, the Giants leaving San Francisco - just the players. It's not the fans' faults that the team got lazy.

This, more than money, will force baseball to be more competitive, more interesting to watch, and, most importantly, more important to the players themselves. Until now, a loss was just another loss, but now a loss is a potential foot in the grave.

Fewer mistakes, sharper players, and better plays will be the result.

Pay Back the Fans
The fans pay the players. That's what ticket prices are all about. Not just a seat at a game, but salaries for all of baseball. For this, the bloodline of baseball itself, we need to pay respect.

All players, on all teams, at each and every game, both home and away, must sign at least ten baseballs and/or cards for fans. All balls fouled will be thrown to the stands if not already fouled out.

And along those lines, ticket prices will be frozen. All ballparks will charge the same for bleachers, field level seats, etc… No team is more important to see than any other team, and therefore no fan shall have to pay more for an otherwise identical game should it have been played elsewhere.

Limits on Intentional Walking
If it were feasible, I'd ban intentional walks altogether. By intentionally walking a batter, the pitcher's basically telling all the spectators that, no, he doesn't have what it takes to pitch this man out.

No more.

All ballplayers can be intentionally walked once per series. Some might not like it, relying heavily on statements like, "but if we pitch to Barry we'll lose." Well, get better pitchers. It's your own fault for hiring a pitcher who's incompetent.

Also, by doing this, intentional walks would become strategic game pieces, much like limited numbers of time-out's in other games. Sure, you could walk the batter right now, but then again this is a night game and he hits much better during day games - better save it.

In Conclusion
Baseball's hurting right now. Baseball's a sport dominated more and more each day by the dollar, and less and less by the players striving for the championship. Maybe everyone's just gotten bored with participating in the 100 year old cycle of events. Maybe the juice is, indeed, gone. True or not, it's unfortunate.

The solution is clear. The solution is simple. What I've written is merely just a few major steps that I'm sure would be followed by hundreds more to eventually repair Baseball from the damage it's inflicted upon itself over the years.

If not me, then someone else from the outside, someone with not as much knowledge of baseball as the current commissioner or any of the current players or managers, should be given the reins of the greatest powerhouse sports has ever known. Someone who's personal politics and moral fiber hasn't been tainted or diluted with the way things are, and have been, going.