Writes Letters Company Pen Betting On Trump How Many Toilets? Lost Nickle Dear Airline Dear Senator Vasconcellos Dear CBS Dear Carolina Panthers 10 Questions From Americans Dear Toys R Us... Small On Top? The Benjagon Use Those Weather-Sticks Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook I Want Your Clutter Hello, Coca-Cola? The Question About The Bill 10 Interview Questions Dreams Do I Own A Snake? Fourth Is Enough 7 Year Living Room Water Bowl Overboard Team 3D and The Finger Coin Bringer Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World Team 3D vs. The French Almost Spiderman Killing The Old For Books Closet Snake Walking Out Outside My Casino Todd Took My Beer Wednesdayding Lake Vegas Clean Out U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson Team 3D 'Cleans' House Shopping School Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle Witness to a Dream Bill Clinton's Pep Talk Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves North Africa vs. South Africa Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island Sparing Bonnie Hunt Quarters for Dogs Telling Her Off Killing in Defense Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob Mega Work Dream Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany Pastry Bunnies Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson Cory Car Club Team 3D in New York Yael's Book Opening Sword Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken Web Hostage Sky God Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave Nose Vines U.F.I. Mining Town Girls in Torture-land Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire... Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane Two Dreams Team 3D Detectives Two Things Wrong The Musical A Shave and a Spot Hawaii 500 Moving In Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

Duck Uberalis   Fig.1 - Unassuming ducks Lisa, my lovely bride-to-be, came up with a very clever idea to spruce up the home. We’d just moved in when her idea hit, and every room in the house, save the bathroom, had their own little touches of life and color. The bathroom remained unnoticed and bare. Lisa’s epiphany for bathroom-décor first struck while perusing the aisles of a Cost Plus store that had row after row unique furniture and home décor replicas. One aisle, however, kind of stuck out from the rest, and that aisle has forever been known (to us anyway) as the Rubber Duck Aisle. The first time Lisa walked down that aisle, she fell in love with not just the rubber ducks themselves, but the different sizes, colors, and poses that were available. “Benjamin,” I remember her telling me, “I just got the best idea. How about we buy a whole bunch of rubber ducks for the bathroom!?” Not even kidding around and being completely serious I said, “Hell yeah!” So, Lisa bought a bunch of rubber ducks, I gathered my two San Francisco Giants rubber ducks (I got them during some promotional day at the ballpark way back when), she got a couple frames to put some of the ducks in, and we were set. That evening Lisa’s big project was putting it all together and, even though they only occupy a relatively small area of the wall (and shower), they did their job and made our bathroom more a part of our home. Fig.2 - Rubber ducks bent on world domination After the placing of the ducks, I had three left over, and I positioned them as you see in Fig.1. I didn’t just put them there at random. You see, even though Lisa and everyone else that’s been in our bathroom like how the three ducks are posed (positioned as if one’s talking while two are listening), in my mind I saw something else. I saw something bigger. I saw something evil. Rubber ducks look cute, and they seem innocent – but are they really? Every time I go to the bathroom and I see those three ducks, in my head I can hear a squeaky, quacky voice coming from the higher, leader duck saying, “Duck Uberalis!” And I can hear the other ducks, the listening ducks, cheering, “Hail Duckie!” over and over again. That’s right. I see a Third Duck Political Regime when I look at those ducks. People who come into my bathroom probably just see ducks - I see a movement bent on world domination. Oh sure, laugh – you might think it’s funny. But have you ever had to drop your trousers and take care of your personal business while an entire political movement looked on? I THINK NOT! Beware the rubber ducks, my friends, beware the rubber ducks…