This year was no different than any other year, as I sat beside my father and laughed at the commercials, drank soda, and downed pizza. As the game dragged on with the Raiders doing write literally next to nothing to stop the Buccaneers from destroying them, the comic in me came up with a terrific idea. I was going to send the soon to be defeated Raiders a kind of off-beat fan-letter. They might have only scored two touchdowns in comparison to the Buccaneers six, but theirs was better. Brilliant (or at least that's what I thought). Anyway, here is my subtle taunt and, G-d willing in time, their response. Do note that a similar letter was also sent to the mayor of Oakland - for flavor.  THE
LETTER
Dear Raiders, I was watching the Super Bowl yesterday, and I have to admit that until you managed your first touchdown in the third quarter I was pretty darn bored. Granted the Buccaneers scored more often and more effectively than you, but believe me when I say that only a Raider touchdown got me jumping out of my seat. Why did only a Raider touchdown get me so riled up? Well, look at an average, uneventful Buccaneer touchdown; they pretty much just waltzed into the in-zone almost completely unopposed. Your touchdowns, however, were well fought for against an incredibly effective and dominant defensive team. You had to fight and claw and beat your way in to score, whereas they just walked, or sometimes leisurely jogged in. There were eight touchdowns during the game, but I only enjoyed two. I'm a Raiders fan. Another reason I enjoyed Raider scoring more than Buccaneer scoring was that with the Raiders it didn't happen every quarter. It got really boring and, eventually, pretty predictable with the Buccaneers - every single quarter, score, score, score. Boring. The Raiders, however, scored in the first, didn't in the second, scored in the third, and who knew what in the fourth. See what I'm getting at? The Raiders kept me on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next. I would also like to compliment the sturdiness of your quarterbacks. Those men, and I mean men unlike the sissy boys of the Buccaneers, can take a hit, many, many times, unlike the untouched and unsacked wimpy quarterbacks of the opposing team. Not once did I see a Buccaneer quarterback go down, and I think that the reason behind that would simply be that should one get sacked by a Raider he'd surely be killed. But that same math doesn't work the other way around. As was proven five times yesterday, a Raider quarterback can be sacked and then get right back up and keep on playing - like a man. As far as fair play is concerned, I must say that I've never seen such a team of gentlemen take the field. I was appalled each and every time I saw the Buccaneers steal or 'intercept' a pass that YOU threw and then turn it right around for their own advantage. Such deceit, cowardice, and down right dirty play should be rewarded not with a Super Bowl victory, but with some kind of penalty. All in all, my dear Raiders, I must say that after all of the Buccaneers' showboating, flaunting, dancing, and even that snobby celebrating BEFORE the game was over, my love for you only grew as my hatred for them grew with each and every touchdown and field goal you were completely unable, or unwilling as I see it, to prevent. Thank you for being the bigger men out there - the men with dignity. -Benjamin RESPONSES As usual, should some shmo decide that this is a letter worth responding to, it'll go right here. |
