I bet, usually, one whole dollar on the winner of the Super Bowl - without my knowing anything about either team - just to keep the game itelf a little more interesting than something I simply have to sit through in order to get to the funny commercials (which, by the way, we horrible this year). To make up for the lack of creativity of this year's commercials, Dave and I bet creatively. Five bets, a buck a bet. Dave said a black guy would be the first to score, and I said a white guy would be the first. Dave won. Dave said the longest field goal would be less than 44 1/2 yards, I said it would be longer. I won. Dave said a flag would not be thrown in the first five minutes, and I said a flag would be thrown within the first five minutes. I won. Dave said the Patriots would win, I said they'd lose. Dave won. Dave said that the final score would have a spread of less than ten points, I said more. Again, Dave won. All in all, wins and losses combined, Dave came out one dollar richer having won three out of five bets. Looking for someone to blame, I wrote this...  THE
LETTER
Dear Carolina Panthers, First off, I would like to offer my sincerest condolences on your Super Bowl loss. It was a glorious game, a well fought game, and definitely one for the history books. The way I see it, my most loved Panthers, both teams that make it to the Super Bowl are winners. In my eyes, there were two teams of heroes competing yesterday – and there were no losers. Being the Carolina fan that I am, I, of course, bet money on you to win. Win or lose, through thick or thin, in Heaven or in Hell, I will be a Carolina fan pure and true. However, it’s about the ‘lose’ part that I am writing you this letter. As I’ve mentioned, I bet money on you to win, one full dollar to be exact, and I believe that your enthusiasm and your confidence led me to believe that you would be victorious in the Super Bowl. With the boisterous declaration by your coaching staff, and players alike, that you were going to walk out of Houston with Vince Lombardi Trophy I believe you were making a verbal contract of sorts with the American public. You broke that contract, and I feel that I should be reimbursed for having gone along with your “we will win” attitude. I put my money down to see you win, not to see you lose. And even though my heart still aches to this very moment with true, heart-felt sympathy for your club’s loss just this past Sunday, I believe it aches a little more than the hearts of your team. You see, where your team lost a game yesterday, I lost the game right along side you in spirit AND I lost a dollar. My suffering didn’t end there. No. You see, it was to my friend Dave that I lost the dollar in question, and once he grabbed hold of my single unit of United States paper currency he stood up, cheered, and lorded that dollar over my head until he finally went home a couple hours later. He came to my house, dear Panthers, he ate my food, and then he took my money. He taunted me, in my own home (his host), and made me to feel inferior to him, even if by only the small measurement of one dollar. When you lost, you just walked off the field and that was the end of it. Not for me. When I lost, I had to receive constant humiliation from someone I used to think was a close friend. As a matter of fact, he called me at lunchtime today to tell me that he paid for his lunch, partially, with my dollar. The levels of humiliation I’ve had to endure have no end – and it’s only been one day. I don’t expect reimbursement immediately. I understand if you need to take time to lick your wounds. But when you do manage to stand tall and strong once more, and a new season of football lays before you, and your athletes, your glorious soldiers, feel an itch for revenge – please see your way clear to return to me that which I’ve lost – please give me back my dollar. Thank you very much. G-d bless the Carolina Panthers.
Sincerely, RESPONSES As usual, should some shmo decide that this is a letter worth responding to, it'll go right here. |
