 I was watching television
with the wife the other night when, in flipping channels, I saw some
evangelist talking about how odd it was that Jesus was a Jew and that
Jews killed Jesus – therefore killing one of their own. The words this evangelist chose were so well picked I walked away thinking, “Those
Jews are a bunch of psycho cannibals!”
Then I gathered my thoughts, remembered that I was a Jew and that nowhere in my worldly travels have I ever seen a Jew kill another Jew, let alone eat another Jew which is what my earlier statement about cannibalism would imply had it been taken out of context. Moving along, I started to think back to all the time I’ve heard people tell me, either in jest or in total seriousness, that my ancestors killed Jesus. It’s entirely not true. As a matter of fact, the very same bible that these people who accuse Jews read states clearly, a few times, that it was the Romans who killed Jesus. Now I know, I know, you’re going to pull that hokey-dokey Catholicism ‘trump card’. “It WAS the Romans that killed Jesus,” you’re thinking, “but it was a JEW that betrayed him.” So? So what? Read the book again. The Jews were having a pretty tough time back then. Nobody treated them with respect. They were getting shot down and pushed around and bullied by just about everyone. Then one Jew, let’s just call him, oh, I don’t know, Jesus, starts opening his mouth and starts causing even MORE trouble for the Jews. The Jews were at the mercy of the Romans. The Romans loved to torture and make ‘examples’ out of the Jews, and now one of the Jews is starting trouble? I’d have wanted Jesus to be quiet too. Read the book again. There were Jews, lots of Jews, Jews that I like to refer to as Smart Jews, telling Jesus to keep it down so as not to draw further attention to the rest. So, if that’s clearly written, why do Christians and Catholics think Jews killed Jesus? I’ll tell you – because they’re the descendants of Jesus’ killers, not the Jews. And they don’t want to look like the bad guys since it would be kinda’ hypocritical to worship the same man you killed. So, um, let’s see, who else was there? Oh yeah! The Jews! They MUST have done it. So I sent a letter to The Pope to have this all straightened up once and for all. Here’s the letter and, should I ever get an email back from PJP (Pope John Paul), I’ll post it here. I doubt he’ll write me, what with his being so busy being the only human on earth with a DIRECT line to G-d and all, so I sent it to a bunch of his lower lever mini-popes, or “capo’s” as they say in their little Italian mafia-esque compound at Vatican City. And now, Mr. The Pope! Dear Mr. The Pope, I was having a conversation with a religious Catholic friend of mine the other day, and he was under the misunderstanding that my ancestors, my Jewish ancestors, were the ones that killed Jesus. I then started to pay close attention to conversations I’d had and, in hindsight, I came to the realization that it is a very common misinterpretation amongst your billions of followers that Jews killed Jesus – one of their own. As it states quite clearly in the book that your minions have been peddling the world over for centuries, it was in fact the Romans that killed Jesus – not the Jews. Further still, there are sects amongst your followers in such areas as Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Kentucky that are members of a club called the KKK that not only believe that Jews killed Jesus, but that the Jews of today must pay the ultimate price for the mistakes of the Jews of the past. What I was wondering, Mr. The Pope, is if you could somehow ‘speak’ to your followers. They seem to listen to you. They flock in the millions just to catch a glimpse of you when you drive by in your mobile glass bubble, and they hush quieter than a mouse just to hear you speak. If you could just send out some kind of official Catholic decree, or maybe an official flyer from the Vatican that says, in a manner as clear as can be, that the Jews didn’t kill Jesus. Maybe you could take out some ads in some of the local papers of major cities, maybe even put up some billboards with your face on it and a word bubble that says, “I’m-a the Pope-a. The Jews, they no-a kill-a Jesus. It was-a the Romans, just like it say in-a the book-a.” Being Jewish isn’t easy in the world. Many people hate me and my family and my community because they believe the world’s oldest urban legend – that the Jews killed Jesus. Clarification on this matter has been of great need for over two millennia, and who better to clear the air than the man these misinformed masses listen to the most? I also hear that you’re from Poland. My dad was born in Poland – in Krakow. Do you know him? Thanks for taking the time to read my letter, Mr. The Pope. I know that you’ll help solve this multi-generational issue with all due speed. -Benjamin “Not Related In Any Way To Those That Killed Jesus” Smash ps – Don’t you think that it’s funny that Rome is in Italy, and that the people who killed Jesus were from Rome, and that the headquarters for your whole religion, based around Jesus, is also located in Italy? I think that’s funny. |
