So I did a little redesign on my website the other day, swapping bland and tasteless navigation links with a more inviting and colorful set of rollover images. All the rollovers reveal little messages, and one of them, the 'e-mail' one, reveals this little ditty, "Please e-mail me. Nobody ever e-mails me, yet they keep coming back for the free funny. Just tell me what you had for lunch. Please?" It's pathetic, yes, but in a funny sort of way, no? I think so, and, regardless of what you think, it's my site so I'll write whatever the hell I feel like writing. Phew…got that off my chest. Moving along... I didn't check my email after making the new nav-buttons a couple days ago, I check, and what do I see; and e-mail from someone I didn't know checked the site (but a good pal who thinks with his tummy - bravo), and, of course, for each day that the new jazz was up (two days), a list of things another reader had for lunch. I asked for it, and now, you get it. Rob - Sun, 7 Jul 2002 Dude, I'm at work, it's Sunday, and I needed a happy distraction. Voila: The Smash. I laughed, I cried, I peed in my underoos (Aquaman, what a pus.) So here ya go, thanks for the good reads! -Rob Uri - Mon, 8 Jul 2002 It all began last night. Kara and I, along with our friends Karen and Eyal, were out and about in sunny San Diego. Karen and Eyal had been shopping for a new mattress set not far from our house and invited us to meet them at IHOP in the IKEA shopping center. Now, who can pass up a glorious IHOP feast. Not me! We met up with our friends and ate and ate and ate till our tummy's were full from all the goodness at the International House of Pancakes. With IKEA being a hop, skip and a jump away AND because it was the last day of their twice-yearly sale, we couldn't pass up the opportunity to visit the glorious warehouse-like store where people buy endless amounts of crap they really don't need anyway. (By the way, I think you should write a vent on IKEA) Karen really, really wanted a cool -looking rug for her tiled apartment. The one she was interested in was costly and didn't work with her budget. After bumming around the store to look at lamp shades, mushroom brushes, wood cutting boards and similar nonsense, we arrived at the sprawling point of sale area. Oy the lines were terrible! What were we thinking. We dropped all the little goodies we had picked up during our IKEA experience into a bin full of $2.95 candle holders and made a bee line straight to the exit. That wasn't the lucky part but I am getting there... We are all in the Silver P5 now heading North to Claremont Mesa mall
for a stop at Funcoland (video games for the boys) and Michael's (scrapbooking
materials for the ladies). While chatting with my passengers about the
ridiculous scene at IKEA I suddenly have to violently swerve to avoid
a large pile of 'debris' in the road. I screamed "Hey! Wasn't that
the rug Karen wanted?" Everyone turns around and verifies that the pile
in the middle of the road was indeed the rug that Karen and Eyal really
wanted for their apartment. I pull a quick u-turn and 'park' my car in
the bike lane. I risk my life and brave 50mph traffic
to run out to the center lane and retrieve the rug (Eyal and I decided
that I was the fastest runner in the car.) So here we are 4 of us in the
Silver Bullet with a huge rug laying across the middle of the car and
Karen with the biggest smile on her face.
Next we get to the Claremont Mesa mall and figure we would get a free sample donut at Krispy Kreme. But...it's before 5pm and what the hell do we know about free samples?!? That's right they don't give free samples before 5pm. So we pony up and decide to spend the 75 cents each and buy a donut. I am particularly interested in in the brand new Triple Chocolate donut. Kara got the chocolate, patriotic sprinkle and Eyal and Karen got old-fashioned and regular glazed. We all find a clean booth to accommodate us and our snacks and get ready to indulge in our sugar fantasies. I take a huge bite of my donut expecting chocolate fill to squeeze out and delight my taste buds. Instead I get a whole lot of dough and no filling. Having experience with donuts, I realized I may have not aligned my mouth properly with the injection of the chocolate fill and may have missed it entirely. I re-aligned and took another huge bite. Still no fill! Instead of a triple chocolate donut, I quickly realize I was only duped with a boring double chocolate donut. I approached Irma behind the counter with the remnants of my donut and explained the situation. She said "Hmmm, oops" and gave me another glorious triple chocolate donut. I couldn't wait to sink my mouth into this one but I waited until I was back at my table. Meanwhile Kara and our friends were almost done with their donuts. I sit back down and take a huge bite out of my donut and...NOTHING! No damn fill. I was ready to create a scene but I noticed that Irma was looking at me with anticipation. I held my donut high up in the air and turned it around so she could plainly see that this donut had no fill either. I just shook my head, took another bite of my unsatisfactory donut and chatted with my wife and friends. About a minute later, Irma comes out from behind the counter and offers me a large Krispy Kreme Donut box. She says, "The manager said you should have this. The others must have been a bad batch." She hands me the box and I open it to find one dozen Triple Chocolate Donuts done right ( I made sure each one
had the little chocolate entry scar confirming that chocolate fill had been injected). Well, my friend that's not all the free stuff Kara and I racked up this weekend but it does lead me to tell you about my lunch, or at least what I had intended to have for lunch today. I intended to have 11 donuts for lunch today ( I already shared one with Kara). That's right screw the diet, screw the carbs, whatever! Chocolate is yummy and I was going to have donuts! But when I got to work, I couldn't resist and ended up offering my free donuts to the whole office. My office mates really liked the donuts and they were gone by the time lunch time rolled around so I drove home had some chips and salsa and played FIFA 2002 on my play station for an hour. That is what I had for lunch today. -Uri Uri - Tue, 9 Jul 2002 Plus I got to act the part of a Jewish jeweler in a police training video! -Uri Footnote - 1
"Oh Aquaman. You can't marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds! [dramatic pause] Oh I've wasted my life." Footnote - 2 Footnote - 3a Footnote - 3b Footnote - 4
Now, you see, loyal readers, that's just a cocky thing to do. I'm begging for people to even talk to me, and he's starting a COUNT of all the free crap he got. Little Social Etiquette for all you kooky kids out there, "Don't tell the Pathetic about how Perfect you are." Well, he's not THAT perfect, he runs into traffic for carpets. 'Nuff said. Footnote - 5 Ok, now it's time for technicalities. Ready for some super-technical, well thought out, tirelessly studied and analyzed response? Here goes… Nuh uh…
In my book, baby, "Free Thing Count = 2". One Freeway Rug, and one Box of Donuts. I'll bet that Uri's the kind of fella' that'll walk up to the 10 Items or Fewer lane in the supermarket with 20 cans of soda and four bunches of bananas, yet claim they're only 'two' items. They're two TYPES of items, but when Uri breaks it down, it's 24 (44 if he counts the bananas individually - which I'm sure he would). Footnote - 6 |
