This is the letter Loyal Reader, and apparent Cult President, Uri wrote: Boo-freakin'-hoo: I will now use this forum to vent my frustration with BENSMASH, the website. It seems that my friend, my buddy, my pal, Benjamin has become too busy to craft new entries and stories for his world famous website. Well I say boo-hoo and a mighty harrumph to that! Disregard the fact that Ben was appointed the best man at his sister's wedding and needed to dedicate time and energy to meeting and greeting all kinds of people. (Not to mention all the kissing and hugging he also had to endure.) NO BIG DEAL! Ignore the issue that he, himself is getting married in one-hundred & seventy three days and may be taking time to be sampling foods, ordering invitations and fretting about colors and seating arrangements. LADI-DAH! Never mind the small matter of he and his bride-to-be moving into a new abode in Foster City. BIG WOW! And...certainly don't let him con you into believing that he actually is "working hard" these days and can't dedicate time to his beloved website. YEAH RIGHT! Nay I say! Ignore all these preposterous excuses and insist on new material for BENSMASH. The time has come and the people have spoken. Join me in my quest and don't let Ben slack any more. Sign my petition for action and insist on quality BENSMASH material NOW! Email Ben at bensmash@bensmash.com and give him a piece of your mind! Uri - President, People for a better BENSMASH! PETITION FOR THE ENHANCEMENT AND UPKEEP OF BENSMASH (Every tenth person,
mail me $5.00 to help with 'People for a better BENSMASH' campaign!) 1) Uri Uri If you're anything like me, to say that you were moved by his dramatic and semi-straight forward approach would be an understatement. Upon finishing reading Uri's petition (signed by several people mind you - I'm just omitting the other names for pity of their own embarassment of being in any way associated with this hysterical rant) I knew that there would be no better way to end my recent dormancy than by responding in full, glorious, guns blazing, Bensmash Style. Do read on: Ok, loyal readers of outdated material, your Writer has heard you. Now, looky here. I've got reasons on top of reasons as to why there's a delay, and I'll tell you why right now. 1) - I just moved into a new place with my fiance. She's an angel and deserves nothing but the cleanest and best place possible to live in, and I'm busy trying to give that to her. 2) - Work has been crazy busy lately, so busy in fact that there isn't any more downtime for me to write in - but there's about a dozen drafts/ideas jotted down so expect something soon (like my theory about how Prince Charles is going to 'invade the world' after his mother dies and he becomes a "king"). 3) - I just got a PlayStation 2. Just let me save the world a few more times and I'll catch up, I swear! 4) - Yes, my sister just married my best friend, and the family's still 'coming down' from the mighty, massive, explosive hype that was their glorious simcha. How does my family relax from such a joyous occassion? 5) - By losing their minds on planning my joyous occassion. Hey, I could either be writing, or coming "this close" to finalizing a decision on an invitation. Plus there's florists. Plus there's a honeymoon to buy (I'm thinking Bahamas). Plus there's going to be tastings soon. Plus there's going to be all kinds of things that Lisa understands and that I really don't but I'll do my damndest to pay close attention. 6) - I'm very tall and not the slimmest guy alive, so my body has to generate a hell of a lot of energy just to get me moving during the day, let alone write something funny for my greedy readership. 7) - I'm drunk most of the time. 8) - I'm busy writing emails like this instead of witty, comical, quizical, political satire-esque content for my site. 9) - I'm researching putting out a book full of dreams, vents, and observations of this bum ridden, Target-pock-marked world I live in and contend with. Next, when the five bucks comes in that Mr. Uri is fooling himself into thinking that he'll actually get, I get 80% of it on grounds of royalties and intellectual development property rights on account of this all being based on Bensmash.com and all copyrighted contents therein. I love you all. -The Smash Anyone else care to dance? |
