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Stronger Underwear : G-d's Cosmic Joke
Happy Tree Vengeance
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Betting On Trump
Millionaire Managing Director
How Many Toilets?
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One Minute Lock-Out
FBI Buddy
Flashback Failure
Dear Airline
No More Bowlers
Detroit Rock City ... Again
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Feeding Me
10 Questions From Americans
Dare Pigeon
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Small On Top?
I Love This Photo
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Kick My Ass
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The Benjagon
I Love My Wife
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With Age Comes Greed
Floridiots
Married = Popular
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Use Those Weather-Sticks
25% Less Means More For Me
More Unemployed Observations
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
Duck Uberalis
Hi, I'm Rob
Things About Unemployment
Are You Hiring?
Sweet Home Two Weeks In Manhattan
Go To The Minyan - Supplemental
Go To The Minyan
Too Many Spoons
Dear Raiders...
I Gots Me A Man!
Volcanoes Are Like Assholes
Marathon Shtoopers
Pair of Pants
Size vs. Pressure
Hello Morningstar!
Toilet Praise
How Much Food Do You Have?
Battle at Theater 4
Pigeons
Humor Is Money
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
Adina's Collapse
Conspiring Husbands
Boo Frikkin Hoo - I LOVE YOU URI
Charles the Invader
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Best Man Speech
That Damn Remote
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Target Poopie Fun
Fortune Cookies (not a story - but damn funny)
Pushing The Elderly
To Twirl Or Not To Twirl
Paul Hoganges
Corporate Collision
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Careful What You Wish For...
Goodbye Steve B.
My Beautiful Flag
Poor Giants
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3 Innings / 7 Dollars
Oh Dad...
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Who The Hell Are These People?
Leaving Tijuana
Seriously?
Third Attempt
Waiting In Line
Pudding And Beer
Buying Hemingway
The Question About The Bill
Halloween Heroes
My Foot In My Mouth
Hurt Magnet
Jury Duty
Puerto Nuevo Lobster Special
No Toys For You
Showdown With The Rabbi
Sausalito Voted Least Flammable City In America
I Hate Starbucks
Congress Turned Down Tennessee/California Swap
Three People I Don't Like


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
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Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
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Killing in Defense
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Mega Work Dream
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Pastry Bunnies
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Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
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Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
Arita Jack Needs My Help
 
MY NAME IS MISS ARITA JACK,IM FROM NYALA,WEST DARFUR ,SUDAN.IM A STUDENT OF COMBONI COLLAGE ,IM I8YEARS OLD ORPHAN.

I LOST MY FAMILIES IN WAR IN SUDAN,WHEN IM JUST 6 YEARS OLD,AND I STARTED WORKING IN MARKET PLACES AS A DISHES WATCHES AT 6 IN ORDER TO HELP MYSELF FOR FEED AND ATTENED EVENING SCHOOL.I WAS LIVING LIFE LEGACY LIKE THAT UNTILL MAY 13 2006 I MET LATE JOHN DENG,WHO PROMISED TO MARRY ME AND WE MAKE FAMILIES TOGETHER,WE ARE LIVING TOGETHER AS PARTNER AND HAPPY PLANING FOR FUTURE,UNTILL APRIL 4,2007. THE ARAB MILLITARY JANJAWEED ATTACKED OUR VILLIAGE AND KILLIED MY HUSBAND IN FRONT OF ME.I MANAGED MY SELF WITH OTHER VILLIAGERS TO TRAVELLED TO KHARTOUM THE CAPITAL FOR OUR LIFE,AND ALL IS IN VAIN.

IM PREGENANT AND MY CONDITION IS BAD,NOBODY CARE FOR ME.I SLEPT OUT SIDE THE SCHOOL COMPOUND WITH HEAVY COLD IN THE NIGHT,NO FOOD,HOSPITAL CARING AND MAINTAINACY.IM SUFFERING,FRAUDSTRAED,WEAK AND DIEING SLOWLY.I WILL NOT WATCH MY SELF SUFFER TILL I DIE,SO I WANT TO CUT THE PAINS.

PLS KINDLY PRAY AND TELL GOD TO FORGIVE MY SINS AND TALK MY SOUL,IM TIRED TO LIVE. THANKS FOR COOPERATION.

DUE TO HELP I VISITED ETHIOPIA AND MOVE FROM MY COUNTRY SUDAN EVIL LAND BUT THE POVERTY HERE IS HIGH AND I LACK EVERYTHING. IM STILL SLEEPING IN STREET WITH HEAVY CILD HERE AND I CONTACT YOU THROUGH NET FROM THE MONEY I BEG FROM ETHIOPIA PEOPLE FROM STREET.

PLEASE IM WEAK AND TIRES OF LIVING WITH OUT HELP.

ARITA JACK


Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2007 13:31:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: aritajack@yahoo.com

Dearest Arita,

You poor thing. I feel horrible for you and your situation.

What can I do to help?

Sorta Kinda Sincerely,
John F. Reed - Humanitarian


Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2007 13:45:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "John Reed"

Please all i need now is just $100us.Please i dont need other things.God bless you.


Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2007 14:41:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com

Dearest Arita,

I will give you $100us happily. I will give you $100us with a smile on my face. I will give you $100us for the things you need.

Tell me how I can help.

More than 99,
John F. Reed - Less than 101

ps - Could you send me a photo of you? If you can I will show your picture to everyone I know, and then we can get you more money. I want to help you. I want to get you back on your feet.

Stay strong.


Date: Sun, 14 Oct 2007 09:46:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "John Reed"

All you need to do to help me is to send by

Addis Bible center,
Modjo,Ethiopia
East Africa
eastafricans@yahoo.com

Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu

Pastor In Charge and the monies will reach me.
You can send via western union or money grame.


Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2007 19:02:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com

My Dearest Arita Jack,

I am so relieved to hear back from you! I feared the worst, then I feared the slightly less worse as I also began to hope the least, and then as I hoped more and more I feared less and less on a kind of linear scale, and then my hope-to-fear ratio rose and dipped on a kind of bell curve, and then I just gave up all hope due to my dislike of the math involved and just ran with fearing the worst again.

But then you wrote me and my fear went out the window and now I'm hoping for the best.

I went ahead sent one hundred ($100) US (us) dollars ($$) to you via Western Union to the name of Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu at the Addis Bible Center. I hope it reaches you and finds you well. I wish there were more I could give. I want nothing but the brightest and best future for you and your child.

I want us to be friends, and I want you to keep me updated on your health and the health of your child. I want you let me know if you ever need anything ever again. I hope the ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS finds you, and finds you well.

Now that we're friends I have a question for you. I'm redecorating the east end of my house, and I decided to condense the seven rooms there into four 'master suites'. It was such a hassle setting up each suite with its own master bathroom (I wanted each bathroom to have its own marble, yet the same fixtures - and finding one fixture to match four types of marble is, as I'm sure you know, quite the task), and now I'm deciding what television to put in each.

I attached a copy of one to this email so you can tell me if you like it. It's the 65" Aquos HDtv LCD Flat Panel tv, and at $10,000 a piece I'm wondering if I'm being cheap or if I should go bigger. What are your thoughts?

Enjoy the one hundred dollars. Please use it wisely.

Comcast,
John F. Reed - Best Cable Ever


Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2007 04:21:29 -0700 (PDT)
From: "EAST AFRICAN SISTERS FOR CHARITIES" - eastafricans@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Arita Jack needs our help!
To: "John Reed"

dont do like satanic servant.


Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2007 12:59:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: Re: Arita Jack needs our help!
To: "EAST AFRICAN SISTERS FOR CHARITIES" - eastafricans@yahoo.com

Dear Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu,

First off let me say that I do not like your tone.

I got an email from a woman in need and I tried to help her. She gave me instructions to send you money, and I did, and all I get in thanks is you calling me names.

What happened to the money I sent? I went to Western Union as instructed and the transaction went through properly. If I now have $100 less, that means the $100 went somewhere.

I assume it didn't get to Arita Jack, so that means YOU took it. Please give it to her. She needs it, and she needs my help.

Can we please try over so I can help?

I want to help.

Please let me help.

I'm a helper.

Help Me,
John F. Reed - Help You


Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2007 00:42:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: "EAST AFRICAN SISTERS FOR CHARITIES" - eastafricans@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Arita Jack needs our help!
To: "John Reed"

Are you a Gay pastor?idot MUGU.GURU SIHN from india the Chief priest will destroy you.


Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2007 09:21:52 -0700 (PDT)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: Re: Arita Jack needs our help!
To: "EAST AFRICAN SISTERS FOR CHARITIES" - eastafricans@yahoo.com
CC: aritajack@yahoo.com

Dear Arita Jack,

Arita. How are you? I assume you are not well because you needed my help and I tried to send you help but that no good bastard Pastor John O. Mnwajagu (who rapes boys and kills dogs and lives like a pig) took my help from you.

Poor Arita. I feel bad for you and your unborn child, but I feel you should know that Pastor John O. Mnwajagu (a very gay man who does gay things with gay people in a very gay way) is stealing from you. He is a bad man.

Please tell me who else to send money to, someone other than Pastor John O. Mnwajagu (a man with a very small penis and no friends and a high pitch voice that makes him sound like a woman), so that you can get the help you need.

Hurry, Arita, hurry! Run away from Pastor John O. Mnwajagu (who takes it up the backside like your average prison bitch). Pastor John O. Mnwajagu is stealing from you because he is a thief and that is what thieves do - they steal.

Let me help you Anita! I attached a photo of Mugu Guru Sihn (the fat guy on the left wearing a dress), the Chief Priest from India that Pastor John O. Mnwajagu (did I mention he's gay? he's very gay) sent to destroy me.

Pastor John O. Mnwajagu has sex with monkeys - gay monkeys.

Pastor John O. Mnwajagu eats babies.

Pastor John O. Mnwajagu dresses like a woman.

Run away from him, Arita Jack. I wish to help you!

Standard Parallels,
John F. Reed - 28.30'N and 45.30'N


Date: Sun, 4 Nov 2007 07:13:11 -0800 (PST)
From: Send an Instant Message "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "John Reed"

U sent no monies.Where is the western union information?


Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2007 10:29:32 -0800 (PST)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: Send an Instant Message "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com

Hi pumpkin,

It's been so long since I've heard from you! I thought you got into an accident and became mute and therefor couldn't speak to me anymore. But then I realized that we're speaking through email - a medium not dependent on voice. So then I started to worry that you got into an accident and lost your fingers and therefore couldn't speak to me anymore - in this case the word 'speak' not to be taken literally, rather to be taken for an alternate definition that simply means to 'communicate'. But even with no fingers you can still use a pencil in your mouth, but that's neither here nor there nor in between.

I sent money. I sent money twice, which then can be understood as having sent 'monies' (a plural of money).

Regardless.

I fear that Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu has stolen the money (monies) from you. I sent money, exactly as you asked, and I have proof and receipts. So if you didn't get it, then Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu (a man, by the way, with no penis) stole it from you.

Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu (a man who thinks a barn is a brothel) stole your money.

Please tell me to send the money to someone else. Someone trustworthy. Someone you know is safe and secure and won't steal my (your) money (monies).

I love you and miss you and dream about you in my arms.

Got A New Day Planner,
John F. Reed - Got A New Pen


Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2007 10:13:34 -0800 (PST)
From: Send an Instant Message "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "John Reed"

I need to stop this because you dislike to help and playing games.


Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2007 21:07:50 -0800 (PST)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: Send an Instant Message "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com

Dearest Arita,

I've been nervous about telling you this, but I love you. I love you and I fear for you.

Stay away from Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu. Pastor John.O.Mnwajagu is a liar and he's lying to you right now because telling lies is all he knows how to do because he's a liar.

What can I do to help you?

Chicago 1919,
John F. Reed - Eight Men Out


Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2007 10:31:23 -0800 (PST)
From: "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "John Reed"

Black monkies from west Africa and more in the games NIGERIAN YORUBAS and HAUSE are the one disgracing AFRICA and we in ETHIOPIA are fighting them with PRAYERS to die soon all FRAUSTERS in IGBO land Sister Arita


Date: Mon, 19 Nov 2007 13:50:06 -0800 (PST)
From: "John Reed"
Subject: RE: I WILL KILL MY SELF WITH THIS PREGENANCY
To: "ARITA JACK" - aritajack@yahoo.com

My Darling Arita Jack,

Black monkies from west Africa and more, this is true, but what about the hookers on Polk & Offarell? Let me put it this way - they're not chicks.

But hey. You've got Nigerian Yorubas and Hause disgracing you home town, I've got Gavin Newsom disgracing my home town. I say we skip all the frausters, ignore all the igbo, and swap the prayers for a few hard drinks at the local bar...

You want to throw down smileys? Bring it on baby:

See that last one? It's a cowboy. You know what I'm talking about.

Can I send more money? Let's be friends.

Darn Tootin',
John F. Reed - I'm A Cowboy