VENT

On our way home for a Tuxedo fitting and some chair/couch cover research, Lisa and I were growing rather hungry and decided to stop at the In-N-Out Burger on the way home. "If there was no line," we thought, "we'll grab something to eat and then go home." There's almost always a line, and even though the food's good, no food is worth a ridiculous line.

Right after the last time I ate at In-N-Out, a friend of mine told me a little something about the restaurant. Not only are there dozens of things on the menu that aren't on the menu (the menu lists only the Double Double, Cheeseburger, and Hamburger - but there's also the Animal Style, the Vegetarian, the Grilled Cheese, etc…), but there's biblical passages on all the containers (cups, little paper bags the burgers come in, French fries basket, etc.). I knew that the next time I would visit this eatery, I would look into it. Sure enough, Lisa and I were annoyed.

I held my cup up high enough to read anything that might happen to be underneath it, and there I saw 'John 3:16'. Being a Jew, I never had the pleasure of reading the New Testament, but from being a WWF fan of many years, especially of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the numbers 3:16 became instantly familiar to me.

When I got home, I jotted down the name of the passage and looked up what it meant. According to the New Testament, John 3:16 reads, "For G-d so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

What the hell does that have to do with my Root Beer? If I drink from this cup, am I to receive everlasting life? Did Jesus drink from this cup and get everlasting life? What, exactly, is not perishing on account of my drinking Barq's Root Beer from this wax coated, paper cup?

Oh, my mind goes on further still. See, us Jews believe in and read the Torah. In the Torah, G-d, our one and only Creator, made ZERO mistakes. When He warned of flood, we got a flood. When He warned of plagues, baby, we got plagues. However, according the New Testament, referenced to by a burger joint just off the freeway in Daly City, G-d not only had a kid, but a kid that would never die.

Um, wrong. The ONE thing that I DO know about Christianity/Catholicism is that Jesus, a nice Jewish boy with a big mouth in the wrong place at the wrong time, was KILLED. And by killed, I mean 'made dead'. Further more, say Jesus did rise up a few days later, if he's had live everlasting, where's Big J now? I rest my case.

Great, now I'm not only drinking a somewhat watered down Root Beer, but, apparently, I was also drinking the false hopes that there's a kind of fountain of youth out there.

Next, it was time to eat. Our order number was called, I went up to the counter and got the burgers (well, my burger and Lisa's burger-less burger - she passed on the meat, and yes, that's on the 'hidden' menu), and I brought it back to our table.

The first thing I did was hold up my French fries basket to check for more markings, but I found nothing. "Oh well," I thought, "probably just on the cups."

I checked my burger bag, the flimsy paper sack the sandwich's presented to you, and sure enough, Nahum 1:7. What the…?

Nahum 1:7 reads, "The L-rd is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him." Now this one I understand.

You see, I have stomach troubles. Oy vey do I have stomach troubles. Usually, after I eat something heavy and taxing on the body like a good, hearty burger, I'm going to pay for it later on that night or the next day. What does that have to do with anything? Well, according to the immortal words of Mr. Nahum, there's gonna' be a day of trouble comin' up, and when it comes, I'm gonna' be talking G-d.

How true! You see, sometimes my stomach hurts so incredibly bad, long after my legs have gone numb from sitting on the toilet so long, my face begins to hurt from crying so hard. At that point, usually, I start begging G-d for forgiveness.

So, be that as it may, why does In-N-Out think that I'm Christian, and therefore try to speak to me through quotations I would know if I were indeed a Christian? Why not just say, "So, you bought a Double Double? Hope you have something read when you get home - this is gonna' take a while." That might be helpful.

And let's look at Lisa's sandwich. She ordered a Cheeseburger without the burger (basically a grilled cheese with all the fixin's). What did her little paper bag have written in small text, tucked away in the corner? Revelation 3:20, that's what.

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

Its stuff like that that makes Revelation my favorite read. Ok, maybe my favorite read is my monthly subscription to ToyFare magazine, but still, yeah…

Anyway, what the hell does that have to do with a meatless burger? Let me 'freshen' up Revelation 3:20 for you. "Check it out. I'm going to come over to your house. If you let me in, then I'm going to eat your food."

Ok.

So, Revelation 3:20 is one of the first accounts of a mooch. That's about it. Nothing else there.

Now, let's sum up. Lisa and I each drank from a John 3:16 cup, she ate from Revelation and I ate from Nahum. What did we learn? Jesus was given eternal life and STILL managed to die, we need to get ready for some serious trouble so then, and only then, are we going to be allowed to talk to G-d, and there's someone, somewhere, threatening to come to my house and eat my food, and that really sucks.

Until now, the only form of some jerk trying to impose his religion on me has been by those asshole Jehovah's Witnesses bothering me while I'm sleeping on a Sunday, those pushy Mormon freaks on their 'missions', and that damn bible in each and every hotel room I stay in. Now they're invading a burger.

Is nothing sacred?